Monday, May 30, 2016

The Groom Who Had More Than His Paws Up

Years ago when Lady Gaga was a still a new sensation, requests started pouring in for me to perform at weddings. I was a little shocked at first to think any bride would want the attention taken away from her at the reception, but quickly began to realize for some it was more about the narcissism of making their guests think they actually knew a celebrity. Typical bridezilla stuff.
In real life I am not a big wedding fan, and avoid going to them at all costs. But hey, pay me enough and i'll show up and pretend to love anything. This is a job after all.

At this point nearly six years later, i've probably performed at over 75 wedding receptions. I call it my national tour of bridal suites, since I always end up using them as my dressing room. I've met some amazing couples and families during these journeys, but the most memorable wedding i've performed at to date, was memorable for all the wrong reasons.

It was late on a Saturday evening, and I had just made the 2 1/2 hour drive from NYC in my zip car.  After the 80 minutes it took for me to get into full Lady Gaga mode, (which included drawing on tattoos) I was waiting in the bridal suite for my cue from the DJ to make my way to the dance floor for my performance. I could tell this was going to be a wild crowd, because the Maid Of Honor, trailed by a few bridesmaids had already brought me two shots while I was getting ready. She yelled SHOTS WITH LADY GAGA, and even though I had one eyelash glued on my work had already begun.

A half hour later, my cue still had not come because reception was running over an hour behind from  slow speeches and delayed dinner service. The catering staff was flying around that place with trays of Champagne and chicken, stressed to the max.
Finally the DJ ran into the bridal suite with sweat on his forehead and told me they were ready for my performance. "This crowd is hella drunk and busting at the seams to let loose" he told me. "Be prepared." I had pretty much seen it all at that point and armed with my disco stick, I could tame even the drunkest weirdo crowd. Performing at these type of events can be as exhilarating as getting shot out of a cannon. I typically had no rehearsal and saw the room and crowd for the first time when I stepped onto the dance floor.

That night as I made my way into the room singing "Bad Romance", the crowd of over 250 went wild. They were eating out of them palm of my hand and singing every word. At one point in all the excitement, a drunk Uncle yelled "I WAS BORN THIS WAY!" and everyone gave him side eye, especially his wife who was right next to him.

Next came the most vitally important part of any wedding reception performance: getting the bride and groom on the floor to dance and sometimes telling a personal story or inside joke that we had pre arranged. I thought for a moment before yelling to the crowd. Was this George and Sarah, Kim and Mike, Jen and Andrew, Josh and Kate, or Alex and Rachel? Ok, it was Kim and Mike. "EVERYONE GIVE IT UP FOR KIM AND MIKE!!" I yelled, getting that cheap applause.

With my happy bride and groom #55 up and dancing to the opening bars of Poker Face, everything was going perfectly.
A minute into the song, the groom got a little closer and I noticed his breath smelled like he had already had 12 Whiskey sours. Somebody's celebrating a little to hard, I thought, and kept on singing.
As the song progressed the Bride became enveloped by her circle of pastel covered Bridesmaids and the groom kept getting closer and closer, grinding with me and yelling "I LOVE YOU GAGA"!

As my performance finished, the DJ took over to get the dance party started. This was now my time to mix and mingle for photos with the guests.
As I turned around to leave the now packed dance floor, the groom pulled me closer to give me a hug. As he leaned in, I got poked with something that was not a Poker Face. His boner.

I did my best to pretend I hadn't noticed, and not get to close to drunky groom and his boner for the rest of my gig. After taking hundreds of photos and mingling with the many guests, I said my goodbyes, changed and got ready to head home on the long 2 1/2 hour drive back to NYC. Just as I was exiting the hall, I overheard the bride screaming at the groom because he was dancing too close to one of her Bridesmaids.

As I drove home, I couldn't help but wonder if i'd be getting repeat wedding business from one of them in the next few years.


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