Monday, May 23, 2016

The Gig That Took The Piss Out Of Me

It was a hot day during the summer of 2011, and I was headed to perform at yet another exclusive private event.
My client was having his annual summer bash with many VIP attendees including well known sports stars and celebrities.

My job for the night was to show up in a black stretch limo with two body guards, be escorted to the red carpet area to take photos with VIPS's, perform for ten minutes and depart via limo back to NYC before anyone figured out I wasn't the real deal.

I had hired two of my actor friends to play my bodyguards. They were more than happy to make $200 the in cash that my client was paying them, for doing very little work.
We met at my Brooklyn apartment, and we had some wine before I changed into my "Fame Monster" look. My cell phone rang and the limo driver was on the other line, telling me he was waiting outside.
When I stepped into the buildings awning in full Gaga mode, the doorman looked really confused. I don't think he knew who I was out of costume, or what apartment I had come from.

People on the streets gawked as "Lady Gaga" and her bodyguards got into the long black stretch limo.

Once inside, I took off my sunglasses and looked around in awe. I had never been inside a limo before in my life. This was SO FUCKING COOL! The back of my limo was fully stocked with booze, water and snacks. The driver hopped in the front and told us to buzz if we needed anything, before rolling up the partician. It didn't take long for us to bust open the booze, and take full advantage of the amenities.

Two drinks later, and fifty minutes into the drive, my bladder felt like it was about to explode. In true diva fashion I asked one of my "body guards" to buzz the driver and ask how far we were from the nearest rest stop or the destination.

The dark tinted partician slowly slithered down and our driver was revealed. He told us the next exit was over a half hour and the destination was even further away.
The tinted glass rolled back up and I held my breath hoping I could survive the wait.
About ten minutes later it was clear that I couldn't. I had to pee so bad that I was about to pee on myself, possibly out my eyes and anyone in my way.

In my slightly drunken haze I said "Hey fake bodyguard, can you ask the driver to pull over so I can pee. Like ANYWHERE!? This is a peemergancy!"

The tinted glass rolled back down and the limo driver said "ok, but there are just woods around", as he pulled over.
I climbed out of the limo in my six inch Gaga platforms and peered into the dusk lit woods, as cars flew by me.
"If i'm not back in 5 minutes, create an Amber alert" I told the fake bodyguards.
I then struted deep into the trees seeking a semi private pee area with as much dignity as possible.
I could see the oncoming drivers doing double takes and almost swerving off the road watching "Lady Gaga" get out of this limo and walk into the woods. What a sight that must have been.

I did pretty well balancing on those huge platforms while squatting and maintaining a pee stream that stayed away from my costume. Peeing in the woods in that getup was for sure not as easy as I had expected. I had to pee so crazy bad that I must have peed for a minute straight. Just as I finished, I remembered that nature has no toilet paper. I attempted to shake it off, but quickly lost my balance and landed ass first into the wet freshly peed on ground.

With my legs and giant Gaga platforms splayed out in front of me, I could see the limo through the trees, parked in the distance and started laughing hysterically at the whole situation.
There I was sitting in pee in the middle of the woods, semi drunk, dressed as Lady Gaga, laughing hysterically.
After basking in the ridiculousness of it all, I pulled up my fishnets and composed myself. I strutted out of the woods as fabulously as I had gone in, and climbed back inside the limo like nothing had happened.

"Hey I smell like pee?" I asked my fake bodyguards.
They assured me I didn't smell like pee.
In what felt like no time without a full bladder, we finally reached our destination.

When we pulled up to the house, my client jumped in the limo, said "nice to meet you" and handed me my pay-an envelope stuffed with a huge wad of hundred dollar bills, then quickly gave me a play by play of the action plan. He got out and we pulled around to the mansion's back entrance and waited ten minutes. When the limo doors opened, about eight huge security guys surrounded myself and my fake bodyguards as we made our way to the red carpet. As I took photos with numerous celebrities, I still kept worrying I might smell like I had fallen in pee.

After photos, I was led to a small stage surrounded by at least 600 teens and adults. They went wild when they caught a glimpse of me and started chanting, "GAGA! GAGA! GAGA! GAGA! GAGA!". My fake bodyguards took places on either side of the stage, the DJ handed me a mic and fired up my tracks. The kids in the front row were so excited, that every time I got close to them during the performance they would grab my hands and nearly pull me into the crowd.
As soon as the songs ended, the security team hastily surrounded me and walked me back to the limo.
As we started to pull away some of the kids from the party chased us and screamed for the driver to stop. We had to roll down the windows, because they wanted me to sign autographs.
Before heading back to NYC, we pulled up the road a bit, away from the party guests and sat inside the limo to watch the private fireworks show my client was putting on.

A couple of years after this gig, I read an interview with Lady Gaga where she said that she's had to pee in dressing room trash cans because her outfits often make visiting the bathroom immposible.

My reason for peeing in a random place wasn't quite as glamorous, but then again, being a Lady Gaga impersonator never is. 

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