Monday, May 30, 2016

The Groom Who Had More Than His Paws Up

Years ago when Lady Gaga was a still a new sensation, requests started pouring in for me to perform at weddings. I was a little shocked at first to think any bride would want the attention taken away from her at the reception, but quickly began to realize for some it was more about the narcissism of making their guests think they actually knew a celebrity. Typical bridezilla stuff.
In real life I am not a big wedding fan, and avoid going to them at all costs. But hey, pay me enough and i'll show up and pretend to love anything. This is a job after all.

At this point nearly six years later, i've probably performed at over 75 wedding receptions. I call it my national tour of bridal suites, since I always end up using them as my dressing room. I've met some amazing couples and families during these journeys, but the most memorable wedding i've performed at to date, was memorable for all the wrong reasons.

It was late on a Saturday evening, and I had just made the 2 1/2 hour drive from NYC in my zip car.  After the 80 minutes it took for me to get into full Lady Gaga mode, (which included drawing on tattoos) I was waiting in the bridal suite for my cue from the DJ to make my way to the dance floor for my performance. I could tell this was going to be a wild crowd, because the Maid Of Honor, trailed by a few bridesmaids had already brought me two shots while I was getting ready. She yelled SHOTS WITH LADY GAGA, and even though I had one eyelash glued on my work had already begun.

A half hour later, my cue still had not come because reception was running over an hour behind from  slow speeches and delayed dinner service. The catering staff was flying around that place with trays of Champagne and chicken, stressed to the max.
Finally the DJ ran into the bridal suite with sweat on his forehead and told me they were ready for my performance. "This crowd is hella drunk and busting at the seams to let loose" he told me. "Be prepared." I had pretty much seen it all at that point and armed with my disco stick, I could tame even the drunkest weirdo crowd. Performing at these type of events can be as exhilarating as getting shot out of a cannon. I typically had no rehearsal and saw the room and crowd for the first time when I stepped onto the dance floor.

That night as I made my way into the room singing "Bad Romance", the crowd of over 250 went wild. They were eating out of them palm of my hand and singing every word. At one point in all the excitement, a drunk Uncle yelled "I WAS BORN THIS WAY!" and everyone gave him side eye, especially his wife who was right next to him.

Next came the most vitally important part of any wedding reception performance: getting the bride and groom on the floor to dance and sometimes telling a personal story or inside joke that we had pre arranged. I thought for a moment before yelling to the crowd. Was this George and Sarah, Kim and Mike, Jen and Andrew, Josh and Kate, or Alex and Rachel? Ok, it was Kim and Mike. "EVERYONE GIVE IT UP FOR KIM AND MIKE!!" I yelled, getting that cheap applause.

With my happy bride and groom #55 up and dancing to the opening bars of Poker Face, everything was going perfectly.
A minute into the song, the groom got a little closer and I noticed his breath smelled like he had already had 12 Whiskey sours. Somebody's celebrating a little to hard, I thought, and kept on singing.
As the song progressed the Bride became enveloped by her circle of pastel covered Bridesmaids and the groom kept getting closer and closer, grinding with me and yelling "I LOVE YOU GAGA"!

As my performance finished, the DJ took over to get the dance party started. This was now my time to mix and mingle for photos with the guests.
As I turned around to leave the now packed dance floor, the groom pulled me closer to give me a hug. As he leaned in, I got poked with something that was not a Poker Face. His boner.

I did my best to pretend I hadn't noticed, and not get to close to drunky groom and his boner for the rest of my gig. After taking hundreds of photos and mingling with the many guests, I said my goodbyes, changed and got ready to head home on the long 2 1/2 hour drive back to NYC. Just as I was exiting the hall, I overheard the bride screaming at the groom because he was dancing too close to one of her Bridesmaids.

As I drove home, I couldn't help but wonder if i'd be getting repeat wedding business from one of them in the next few years.

Monday, May 23, 2016

The Gig That Took The Piss Out Of Me

It was a hot day during the summer of 2011, and I was headed to perform at yet another exclusive private event.
My client was having his annual summer bash with many VIP attendees including well known sports stars and celebrities.

My job for the night was to show up in a black stretch limo with two body guards, be escorted to the red carpet area to take photos with VIPS's, perform for ten minutes and depart via limo back to NYC before anyone figured out I wasn't the real deal.

I had hired two of my actor friends to play my bodyguards. They were more than happy to make $200 the in cash that my client was paying them, for doing very little work.
We met at my Brooklyn apartment, and we had some wine before I changed into my "Fame Monster" look. My cell phone rang and the limo driver was on the other line, telling me he was waiting outside.
When I stepped into the buildings awning in full Gaga mode, the doorman looked really confused. I don't think he knew who I was out of costume, or what apartment I had come from.

People on the streets gawked as "Lady Gaga" and her bodyguards got into the long black stretch limo.

Once inside, I took off my sunglasses and looked around in awe. I had never been inside a limo before in my life. This was SO FUCKING COOL! The back of my limo was fully stocked with booze, water and snacks. The driver hopped in the front and told us to buzz if we needed anything, before rolling up the partician. It didn't take long for us to bust open the booze, and take full advantage of the amenities.

Two drinks later, and fifty minutes into the drive, my bladder felt like it was about to explode. In true diva fashion I asked one of my "body guards" to buzz the driver and ask how far we were from the nearest rest stop or the destination.

The dark tinted partician slowly slithered down and our driver was revealed. He told us the next exit was over a half hour and the destination was even further away.
The tinted glass rolled back up and I held my breath hoping I could survive the wait.
About ten minutes later it was clear that I couldn't. I had to pee so bad that I was about to pee on myself, possibly out my eyes and anyone in my way.

In my slightly drunken haze I said "Hey fake bodyguard, can you ask the driver to pull over so I can pee. Like ANYWHERE!? This is a peemergancy!"

The tinted glass rolled back down and the limo driver said "ok, but there are just woods around", as he pulled over.
I climbed out of the limo in my six inch Gaga platforms and peered into the dusk lit woods, as cars flew by me.
"If i'm not back in 5 minutes, create an Amber alert" I told the fake bodyguards.
I then struted deep into the trees seeking a semi private pee area with as much dignity as possible.
I could see the oncoming drivers doing double takes and almost swerving off the road watching "Lady Gaga" get out of this limo and walk into the woods. What a sight that must have been.

I did pretty well balancing on those huge platforms while squatting and maintaining a pee stream that stayed away from my costume. Peeing in the woods in that getup was for sure not as easy as I had expected. I had to pee so crazy bad that I must have peed for a minute straight. Just as I finished, I remembered that nature has no toilet paper. I attempted to shake it off, but quickly lost my balance and landed ass first into the wet freshly peed on ground.

With my legs and giant Gaga platforms splayed out in front of me, I could see the limo through the trees, parked in the distance and started laughing hysterically at the whole situation.
There I was sitting in pee in the middle of the woods, semi drunk, dressed as Lady Gaga, laughing hysterically.
After basking in the ridiculousness of it all, I pulled up my fishnets and composed myself. I strutted out of the woods as fabulously as I had gone in, and climbed back inside the limo like nothing had happened.

"Hey I smell like pee?" I asked my fake bodyguards.
They assured me I didn't smell like pee.
In what felt like no time without a full bladder, we finally reached our destination.

When we pulled up to the house, my client jumped in the limo, said "nice to meet you" and handed me my pay-an envelope stuffed with a huge wad of hundred dollar bills, then quickly gave me a play by play of the action plan. He got out and we pulled around to the mansion's back entrance and waited ten minutes. When the limo doors opened, about eight huge security guys surrounded myself and my fake bodyguards as we made our way to the red carpet. As I took photos with numerous celebrities, I still kept worrying I might smell like I had fallen in pee.

After photos, I was led to a small stage surrounded by at least 600 teens and adults. They went wild when they caught a glimpse of me and started chanting, "GAGA! GAGA! GAGA! GAGA! GAGA!". My fake bodyguards took places on either side of the stage, the DJ handed me a mic and fired up my tracks. The kids in the front row were so excited, that every time I got close to them during the performance they would grab my hands and nearly pull me into the crowd.
As soon as the songs ended, the security team hastily surrounded me and walked me back to the limo.
As we started to pull away some of the kids from the party chased us and screamed for the driver to stop. We had to roll down the windows, because they wanted me to sign autographs.
Before heading back to NYC, we pulled up the road a bit, away from the party guests and sat inside the limo to watch the private fireworks show my client was putting on.

A couple of years after this gig, I read an interview with Lady Gaga where she said that she's had to pee in dressing room trash cans because her outfits often make visiting the bathroom immposible.

My reason for peeing in a random place wasn't quite as glamorous, but then again, being a Lady Gaga impersonator never is. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

The Littlest Gay

As a Lady Gaga impersonator, I get many many bookings for kids parties. This surprised me at first, because Gaga's music has some very adult content, and her concerts are far from family friendly.
Often a Mom calls me and tells me that her four year old knows every word to Poker Face, and me showing up will "make her life."
Typically at these gigs, the kids really believe I am Lady Gaga. 
I end up signing illegible autographs on i phones, arms and even on dresses, all while feeling a little bad that i'm ruining stuff with permanent marker. 
Most of the kids are really adorable. They'll hug me and tell me all about how they love my albums and saw me in concert. We chat about boys, school and even fashion. They ask if they can feel my hair, and stroke my long blonde wigs with wonder. I love being Lady Gaga for those well behaved cuties.  

When I sift through my years of kids party memories, there is one that really stands out from the rest.
I had been booked for a little girls 6th birthday and just finished my performance. 
As I walked around the room to take photos with the guests, I noticed a little boy who looked about four years old. His eyes kept following my every move and whenever I turned around, he would be right behind me, staring up adoringly.
I knelt down to his eye level to say hello and he put his little hand in my hair, and said the last thing I ever expected to come out of his mouth...... "FIERCE!"

I had all I could do not to double over laughing. I thanked him and asked what his name was. 
He told me his name was Henry and that he knew that my favorite designer was Alexander McQueen and that he liked Alexander McQueen too. He also told me he knew all the words to Bad Romance, and liked my dress with the bubbles. 
We kept talking, and Henry asked if he could check out all of my rings, accessories and even try on my hat. This little boy was truly like an adult gay man in a four year olds body. His super straight laced Dad came over after a few minutes and we took a few photos with the little guy sitting in my lap, wearing my huge hat.

As I got up to say goodbye to Henry, he hugged me and with a giant smile said, "Lady Gaga-will you sing my favorite song with me?" I asked him what song that was, and he said "Born This Way" while striking a pose with his hands on his hips.

I knelt back down to his level and started to sing the chorus to him. "You're beautiful in your way cuz God makes no mistakes, you're on the right track baby you were born this way. Don't hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and your set. You're on the right track, Henry you were born this way." As I finished he jumped up and down excitedly and gave a little applause.

From that moment on, every time I hear or sing Born This Way, I think of Henry.